i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
