He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
