I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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