If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I love you.
Bad choice
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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