It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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