I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Randomize
