# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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