Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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