Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
