I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
