I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
