i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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