I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
