The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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