there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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