she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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