on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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