yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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