last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
