I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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