Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
