I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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