so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
