Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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