You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The power of my boobs compel you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize