She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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