my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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