If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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