I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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