Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who died my cat blue again?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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