try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize