Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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