I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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