dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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