I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
