i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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