Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
