if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
