He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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