i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
