I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I pour the whiskey from now on
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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