I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
