ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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