Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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