I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
