please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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