I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
soo... how was my night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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