don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
