he wants to bone in the snuggie
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
