So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
where am i from again
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
