Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
