I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
