i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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