I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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