hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
