Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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