When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
